Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
