Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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