please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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