I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
