I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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