I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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