Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
