That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
