Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
