Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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