He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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