I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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