I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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