We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
