Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
