My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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