I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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