When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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