I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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