My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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