My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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