Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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