I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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