We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
