hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sarcasm needs its own font
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
