Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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