My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
