flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
