i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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