Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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