"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
