Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
