Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
