Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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