She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
