you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
