I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
