I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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