I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
