Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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