Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
