so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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