He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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