i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
