I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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