I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
