you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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