I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
