I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
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