Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
