Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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