I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize