Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize