If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
