guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
