My boss' voice literally gives me gas
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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