Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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