how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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