i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
