I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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