seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
