Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
