so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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