i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
