Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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