call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Damn victory sex feels great
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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