I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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