I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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