Just fell off a train. Bad.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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