My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
