Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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