I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
